Parenting comes naturally

A few weeks ago I had a patient bemoan the fact that she felt that parenting wasn’t coming naturally to her (like everyone said that it would)
A few days ago as I stood in a crowded WalMart checkout line (Aside: If Dante’s Inferno was written today the 4th circle of Hell would be a WalMart checkout line) with a raging toddler in my arms and a pair of size 8 toddler shoes and a Twix bar on the belt I knew exactly how she felt.
The parenting thing is not coming naturally.
If it was I would have known what to do to calm my child down while the entire store stared. I didn’t.
I knew exactly what everyone else was thinking. They thought she was pitching a fit because of the candy. Truth is…candy bar was mine. Jude would maybe take a few bites, but could really not care less about it.
It was the shoes.
Jude has actually had nightmares about her shoes being “all gone.” We have had to check on her shoes in the middle of the night to make sure they are OK. This was after months of work to get her not to wear them 24/7. And here we were. After suddenly springing up a shoe size and going to the store and picking out new shoes (for probably only the second time in her entire life) here I was GIVING THEM BACK TO THE CASHIER.
Yes the epic flip out was totally warranted. I see that. I even kinda knew it would happen but I am lost on the natural parent thing as I don’t know what to do. She needed the shoes…

There are other things that were allegedly supposed to come naturally that have failed to arrive…
I am supposed to have this superhuman ability to remove any and all laundry stains now.
I am supposed to be able to function properly on less than 4 hours sleep a night.
Everything I cook is supposed to be edible at the very minimum, but typically on the good-very tasty scale.
I think there is this cultural expectation that I need to compete with other Moms. The Moms will be like my 3 year old is starting violin lessons and I am like: very nice, mine is learning to get both eyes to look in the same direction. (I feel both are pretty challenging, however obviously this is a personal opinion).

But if I could rewind a few weeks ago I wish I could tell that new Mom that the “it will come naturally” line is likely utter B.S. I don’t think any of us actually have it figured out at all. We just make it through the day and mostly there are no serious head injuries (for the kids or us)

And somedays I think that all the parenting books are just other people who think that THEY have it all figured out too. Until they go to WalMart.

Where’s Jude

I can’t find her…

Post placement #1

We did it.

We have made it through the first post placement visit.

Pippen (the cat) has some obvious PTSD issues from the foster care days.

Like any sane person I spent most of yesterday cleaning. Nothing overly spectacular as I have a terrific chest cold but I must have been giving off a very specific “a social worker is coming here tomorrow” vibe because Pippen was particularly vocal and protective of Jude starting around her nap yesterday afternoon. He literally slept ON her last night (keep in mind Pippen weighs around 16 pounds and Jude is about 25 pounds now). He was yowling out the living room window all morning and when our social worker arrived he insisted on supervising the visit from atop the dining room buffet. Now that it is over he has finally settled down but I wonder how long Jude will live here before he understands that she is permanent.

The visit itself went really well. I didn’t cough up a lung and Jude was able to cope with us not being busy (by her standards) for 2 hours. I think the promise of going to the grocery store this afternoon (which is one of her favorite things to do) is keeping her behavior in check today.

But it is impossible to believe that we are already at this step. Post placement visits? It wasn’t even a year ago that I was still waiting for a referral.

Part of today’s visit was our home study update. And outlining a strategy for our second (and final) adoption of Jude’s little sister sometime in the next 2 years.

Maine Foreign Adoption Recognition

I know for a fact that this is the only information on the internet about this. Why? Because I spent nearly 2 years researching and never knew that this was an option. Turns out most people don’t.

Maine does recognize foreign adoptions in some cases. You do not always have to readopt. Of course, Maine doesn’t REQUIRE either but we all know that one or the other is a good idea.

Jude’s adoption was legal and binding in Bulgaria. This qualified her for a foreign adoption recognition in Maine which per the lady at the Kennebec County probate court would give me the same birth certificate for Jude that I would get with a readoption. Ok.

While I never got a solid quote readoption, which it seems would have required an attorney, would have cost us $500-$1000 or more and taken at least 2-3 months. The recognition will cost $71 in fees and took about 30 minutes to fill out 2 forms, I will need to get one notarized, then make an appointment within the next few weeks to go back and file them (nice lady at court will help me and make sure I filled them out correctly).

So, if you too are looking to do this you will be requesting (from probate court who handles adoption in Maine) the petition to recognize a foreign adoption paperwork. You should get 2 forms. The off-white one will need to be notarized. Costs $1 to pick it up $70 to file. You will need a copy of your adoption decree and foreign birth certificate to attach to the paperwork. If you didn’t change your child’s name before and wish to, this form allows it.

I have no idea why this information is not readily accessible anywhere. I couldn’t find it on any Maine government website and the probate court website which allows downloading of some forms doesn’t even allude to this form’s existence.

But I put it out there now. Hopefully one day I will save another adopting parent stress, aggravation, time and money.

There’s no stopping her

So in this photo I was trying to show the first time I was able to do Jude’s hair (it is finally long enough!). What it turned out to be, however, is a perfect artistic expression of the speed at which Jude operates…(hypersonic) and gives everyone a good idea of just how difficult actually getting a photo of her is.

3 months

It has been 3 months today since we picked up Jude.

3 months and yet a lifetime ago. Jude is doing phenomenally well but looking back here is what I can say about the first few months home.

The first few weeks were hard. The hardest. Things started drastically improving 10-14 days after we arrived home. Don’t ever plan or commit to do anything during this time. Don’t even plan to shower. It may not happen. And if it does you will be pleasantly surprised. Just don’t plan on showering in private. Ever again. Seriously.

Now I never saw the adoption honeymoon stage (as is often the case with toddlers) so things have always improved since day one. That isn’t to say despite how easy things have been that we haven’t seen a bit of totally outrageous behavior. We had our share of raging temper tantrums and institutional behavior but it has gotten way way way better.

One of the questions I get all the time is how is Jude’s English language acquisition coming along. Well, like most toddlers her pronunciation is not excellent but I can understand 90% or more of what she is saying and she is now at the point where she will repeat any word if she wants to.

She can balance on a board swing and hold onto the chains, she can climb a small ladder, drive a power wheel car, climb up and down stairs independently, dress and undress herself, brush her own teeth, sleep in a full sized bed…all things she couldn’t do 3 months ago.

She has become a full-fledged Mainer. She swam in our cold ocean water, ate a lobster, went to a lighthouse, got bug bites, did campfires, went hiking, got an LL Bean backpack with her name on it.

Autumn, here she comes…

Naked time

Believe it or not part of Jude’s developmental plan was to be more comfortable wearing less clothing (and not to have an epic meltdown at times when she had to be barefoot). When I picked Jude up it was a hot summer day of about 85 degrees and she was wearing:
An undershirt
A T-shirt
A zip up hooded sweatshirt
A diaper
Underwear over the diaper
Sweatpants
Socks
Sneakers

And I was given a light jacket…

In addition to the practical reasons of not wanting her to overheat there has been obvious security and sensory issues surrounding her desire to dress in multiple layers (and have shoes on at all times even in bed).

It has been a long and difficult road to get here but this is now a daily sight as I cook dinner (and bonus she has learned to dress and undress herself)

Not sure where she learned it from

I have no idea where she could have picked up on the babywearing thing from…

The annual paperwork explosion

Ahhh September.

A time for Back to school, chilly nights, and in this house the annual adoption paperwork chase.

I gave it away, didn’t I?

It true that there is no paperwork chasing involved really after your child comes home. Jude’s first post placement visit with our social worker is scheduled for the end of this month. But there has been an ongoing dialogue within our family and I have made the decision and we are turning the post placement visit into a combination home study update.

I am going to adopt from Bulgaria once more.

Just not immediately.

Things will be quite different the next time around. I plan to identify a waiting child first THEN go with a placing agency. This will also allow me a little bit more control in selecting a child that will be a good match here, though I credit the ministry of justice for doing a perfect job last time.

We plan to get the ball rolling next summer once we have all settled in, however it made sense to make the move and update the home study again now. In the end we will save a lot of time and money.

And I have to again say that I have an amazing awesome home study agency. They have been with us since before we technically started and they are still here in this twilight zone year when we have no placing agency and are kinda doing things on our own. And they are 100% behind us taking one more crazy adventure back to Bulgaria. I love them.

No matchy-matchy

We have officially finished the epic adventure of rediagnosing Jude. In summary when I got her referral it looked like this:

Absent Septum Pellucidum
Patent Foramen Ovale
Tricuspid Insufficiency
Heart Murmur
Retinopathy of Prematurity
Cosmetic deformity (large ears)
Mild Global delays
History of severe Global delays
History of Premature birth

Here is what her actual diagnoses are:

Absent Septum Pellucidum
Neurofibromatosis type 1
Tuberous sclerosis
Strabismus
Nystagmus
Astigmatism
Mild delays in Speech and Gross Motor skills
Cosmetic deformity (ears)
History of premature birth
(other social history)

Note the differences? Having Jude reevaluated in America (at the advice of our Bulgarian NGO on trip 1) was worth it. Her eyes, heart, and delays are all much less serious than we initially thought whereas her neurological and a few other things will need continued follow up throughout her life.

Jude did great during the MRI yesterday. Obviously her not stone cold normal results rattled a few medical people over the last 48 hours but it was what we had anticipated the past few weeks and are relieved that the outcome was not more serious and Jude can return to the business of just being a kid.

Lesson to share: when adopting, especially from overseas take the time to have your child fully evaluated by your medical team. Even if they have already done so in their country of birth.