For the Trolls



General wisdom is that I am not supposed to acknowledge your existence. “Don’t feed the trolls” they say (They being the rest of the internet, you should go look at it, it’s vast). But I am. You are here.


You are reading a blog about adoption. I thought it was obvious in the title. I overestimated something somewhere. Oops. My bad. This is a blog that centers around adoption. Comments about things not related to it (even in a small degree) will be deleted. This includes (but is not limited to) pornography, sex toys, dating sites, mail-order brides, sending money to you to help you with your scheme so I can get millions of dollars in return (sorry Your Royal Highness…I forgot which country you said you were from).

Yes, that is right. All comments on this blog are moderated. That means I censor them. I know. I’m evil.

Would you like a look into my mind into what I moderate? In addition to above (which is generally known as Spam) I delete comments that are personal attacks with no basis in fact. I DO NOT delete comments that are divergent to my opinion but are well-constructed and intelligent. Unfortunately this has only happened once in 2 years.

In (probably futile) hope of lowering the amount of comments that I delete I would also like to point out to trolls, cyber-bullies, robots, etc. that your IP address is recorded when you comment. It is kind of like signing “Anonymous” in your own blood. Genius. (Fun fact: I even know where some of my more, ahem, frequent visitors are from, and what ISP they have. It takes about a minute to figure it out). Lesson: keep it civil, please.

But some of you have repeat pressing concerns (though typically not eloquently articulated). Let me address some of the more common themes.

Am I aware that there are better ways to help over 100 million orphans than adopting?
But most of these ideas would require a far more advanced society based on a utopian-like empathy and kindness. There are excellent ideas. Absolutely stellar. But we don’t live in the “It’s a Small World” ride. It won’t happen in my lifetime. Some of these comments are excellent proof why the planet may be headed in the exact opposite direction. Where we stand, today, adoption is the system that we have to help. And I am able and willing to help. Full stop.

I am an adoptee and I don’t agree with adoption/international adoption/think you are the devil incarnate etc.
You are entitled to your opinion. Some of you have told some awful stories and I empathize but so far 100% of you assume that I have never met an adult adoptee in my life. I am surrounded by them. My own mother is one. ALL OF THEM have been massively supportive of the adoption. Many of them are actively involved in my children’s lives. I am listening to the adult adoptees in my life and following their advice.

Couldn’t my time and effort be better spent helping birthmothers keep their children?
Part of my job is caring for a significantly large pediatric panel who has involvement with the Maine DHHS. In the 4 years that I have had this position though many of my younger patients have been in foster care; to date NONE have been permanently removed from their birthfamilies. Repeat: None. In short, I do spent a significant amount of time and effort helping to keep families intact. I even was a foster parent for two years and saw both children reunited with their birthfamilies.

Why don’t I just adopt from the US?
I have written pretty extensively here that I TRIED TO. I too saw the ads that “families are needed for waiting children” I took the classes and had the homestudy and had a glowing approval and submitted our homestudy for review of over a dozen waiting children/siblings all over the USA over the course of 2 years. We went nowhere each time. Simple truth: it is not as easy as advertised.

I shouldn’t have adopted if I work full-time.
Welcome to the 21st century. Women work. Mothers work. If I didn’t, there would likely be an equal amount of you upset that I was a single person who was unemployed.

I shouldn’t have adopted as a single woman.
Again, I can’t please all of you. I’m sure at least one person would be ornery if I got married.

People shouldn’t adopt if they have to use grants/loans/fundraising.
It’s awesome that somewhere out in the interweb people just have piles of cash lying around. I am not among these fortunate individuals. I make a good income. I’m not rich. I’m a nurse. I never will be rich. But we do make enough to live and have the things we need. And I am happy with that. I make enough to easily support children. So why shouldn’t I raise a family? Coming up with large sums is difficult. The cost of a child’s adoption in our case is comparable to the cost of a child’s college education. A parent isn’t berated if they cannot come up with the full amount up front in cash. There are loans and scholarships/grants to access to help defray the cost. People don’t have kids just because they cannot afford to pay for college in cash. Why is the adopting parent chastised when they attempt to access similar means to provide a child a stable home? Are family and education not equally important?

You shouldn’t have adopted if you have cats…
You, my friend, crossed a line. There is an unwritten rule of the internet that you never say anything bad about somebody’s cats. Remember Grumpy Cat? That probably started off as somebody making fun of her and now she is a megastar. I think she even has a TV series. Cats OWN the internet. And really, just what?

Random thoughts:

I understand spelling and grammar mistakes but sometimes I can’t even make out if you are speaking in English. Are you drunk? Are you Yoda? Did Google Translate have an epic fail? I don’t understand.

If I don’t moderate your comment right away something magical is happening: I AM LIVING LIFE IN THE REAL WORLD. Sometimes it is happy things like spending time with my kids and birthdays and going to the beach. Sometimes it is much darker like telling someone that they have cancer, or doing CPR, or trying to get an ambulance to someone’s home. This blog is what I do when I have super-free time. It is quite literally my last priority.


5 responses »

  1. Wow, don’t read the comments so had no idea you we’re dealing with people like this. For the record, my sister is approved and waiting to adopt from Bulgaria. I’ve enjoyes reading all the details about your process and am so happy Jude and you found one another. Can’t wait until I have a niece or nephew to love in NC.

  2. I’m really blessed to have your blog. My husband and I want to adopt from Bulgaria (in a few years) but there isn’t a whole lot of information out there. I have found your blog to be a Godsend and I am so happy you write. (It also helps how cute Jude is and I love hearing about her antics)

  3. Good for you! Your replies to the rude and unsolicited comments are spot on. Being a single who has adopted internationally more than once, I love to read adoption blogs like yours. Unfortunately some bloggers have discontinued blogging because of the negative comments like you have received. I think many potential adopters are inspired by blogs like yours that are realistic. They know if they decide to adopt it won’t be a bed of roses, but it will be so worth it! And who cares if people fundraise anyway? More power to them. If they care enough about parentless children to go out on a limb to make their adoption possible, then God bless them for caring. After watching this troll thing happen to so many adoption bloggers over the years I have concluded that the trolls themselves are really jealous people. They want what you have, but they either have such huge personal problems that they could never get approved for adoption, or they would never want anyone to view their finances and the home life of their biological children in order to have a home study done. They are probably lousy parents. Because good parents don’t do sneaky cruel things to others. So they throw stones at the brave people who go right ahead and adopt. It makes the trolls green.

  4. Amen, sister. There will always be haters in the world. We just need to ignore their negative energy. What you have done for Jude is fantastic.

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